The last few weeks have proved to be somewhat difficult to swallow as whole as they come. Very fast, and very confusing. In between my clouded memory I’ve been working, making myself get up and go to focus on somthing and someone other than myself. Which in my mind is the best cure to anxiety.

Finally made it to Christmas… And if I can make it to New Years without another night of tears, I know I’m healing enough to move on. These last few days have been pleasant, so many cuddles from my chicken, which during the week I don’t get much of. I’ve had a chance to catch up on sleep too, although this is possibly not the best thing because I know the reasons for feeling the need to sleep. Something which I’m going to have to address sooner or later.

I’ve gotten back in contact with a dear friend, Dale, and although he’ll never see this, I’m pretty sure he know’s how much I appreciate his existence. And randomly, although net only, made a new friend, Josh, who has given me a world of things to think about and helped me through some darkness that I don’t think I’d be able to get through without talking to someone who has been through the same thing. So I’m sending this loved up thankyou out into the universe. xxx

I’m hanging out to see my Christine. Although…. I have to organize a few little prezzies for her first…. my gorgeous girl turned 25 this year.. Amazing. Bring on the 2nd!

Thats all from me at the moment. I’m not going to get too far into my head this morning, because I couldn’t handle the repercussions of how I’ve been feeling these past 2 days. I have pictures to post… but for some reason my background and header have disappeared and all of the photographs ever posted here… hrmm..

.love.

I am re-learning to live in the now, which in the most part is the greatest downfall of anxiety sufferers abound. Don’t get me wrong, the reason I lack sleep is mainly due to a consitent worry that invades my dreams and wakes me up with the awful bump in the night trips to the loo. But on the most part… I’m feeling much better within myself than I have in……perhaps years.

One thing in particular has kept my mood sky high, lets hope he comes through with the goods;)

<3 me.

Collapse the Light Into Earth

-Porcupine Tree

.sigh.

…..To fall or not to fall.

I could smile when I see you come,

But you never come.

Feeling okay, just tired.

So upon this little realization in my passing days of severe emo-like behavour… (random outburts of tears and self medicated affection) I have decided it needs to be even on both sides for me to feel at peace with anyone in particular. I’ve been doing a bit of soul searching lately and have barely spoken to any of the people I actually want to keep close in my life which, undoubtedly will affect my relationships in the long term, I need to take a step back and accept the ways things are.

I went around to Matt’s today for tea and too many cigarettes and his advice on my current thought patterns make a lot of sense; [insert long and drawn out explanation on wanting something unobtainable here]

I’m glad for his kindness and friendship, even though every time I see him or talk to him I have to try very hard not to cry. And I usually always do, on the drive home. It’s not the safest thing driving home with blurry vision. I think this time it was more due to our conversation which was about someone else entirely. I wonder if his ears were burning today?

I told Matt he is a bit special, not Matt, this other person, and Matt made it pretty clear that people are able to find something special with anyone and hold onto that special thing with an iron grip. But I’m convinced it’s a little more than that, and that this special person is definately not a cunt, despite what Matt says about his lack of interest in me.

I hate that word, cunt. I was never able to say it out loud until recently. (Thanks Keoh. The abrasive punk in you has rubbed off on me finally.)

Anyway… my bed is calling, earlier than usual. Goodnight wordpress.

Laying in my bed, sleeping alone again, last night I had a bit of an emo realization. It doesn’t matter who I want or what I want from anyone, because in all sensible reality, I’m asking too much. And I am most definitely asking too much of myself. There are a lot of lovely people in my life, and there is one in particular I would like to be closer to, but it’s not right for him, and barely right for me, but I am trying to shake the feeling and haven’t been doing a very good job of it till now. So, I give up. Things are the way they are and I need to just breathe for a while.

Love my friends, be kind to my family, and eventually, get a good nights sleep.x

G’night.

Every single day, at least once. And he either has no idea or doesn’t give a damn.

He’s moved on, but my darling girl hasn’t. And given she is more important to me than any other human being on this earth, I’m beginning to get angry at him. Purely for his obliviousness. I kept saying I wish I could hate him, and if this continues, I just might. :’(